Hold your breath [non-religious]

I got to spend the day by myself. I get them often but tonight was particularly peculiar. Sitting about watching sapping shows and being reminded how little I know about my family or how distant our relationships are brings me a certain amount of guilt. My family has always been somewhat distant and only a handful really connect with me. I am a very independent person and I have never needed the support of my brother or extended family to be who I am. Yet I mourn that ‘could have been.’ And while I know I have the power to reach out and pull myself closer to people I am learning that my being the black sheep has never been more true. I am so different and if I spoke to my family of who I am they just would not get it. So I keep to myself.

Then there is the quiet hum in my brain that reminds me that my mother’s birth family is out there. She has never wanted to find them. She truly thinks she was abandoned as a consequence of an affair. Her mother had a daughter from marriage and my mom was relinquished because she was a product of something indecent. So she believes. I am not terribly concerned with the why or how. But that hum comes around and gets my attention once in awhile. The mystery of the part of us that is lost out there somewhere.

I am a very strong woman in my late 20’s and I was gripped in a kind of breathless fright at the idea of messaging someone on ancestry.com. Someone who is genetically related to me and maybe to my mother’s birth family. I realize now that while my mom may never want to personally search and know things, the hum will stay in my head and the fear of knowing in my throat.

Don’t let fear hold back your breath.

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